Years ago whenever I’d face a problem, I’d look up and say, “Okay, Lord, what are you teaching me here? What do you want me to learn from this”?
I quit asking those questions after Dan was killed; not because I thought there wasn’t anything more to learn, but because suddenly it was painfully and obviously clear just how many things there were to learn.
Married at age 22; for 33 years and 20 days; and then suddenly blindsided by sudden traumatic death. Widowed. HATED the word; wouldn’t even say it for a long time.
But miracle of miracles, I wasn’t angry. Working in mental health for a long time, I knew that anger was a normal emotion that could follow death; but I wasn’t. I was even a little bit bemused by its absence; but I’d periodically note to myself, and God, just how thankful I was to not be.
I actually think its absence improved my spiritual hearing and let me listen much more attentively to God’s quiet directions. It flat out amazed me how many times the right verse, piece of information, or person just ended up smack in front of me.
I don’t have a magic formula for not being angry, but I do think it probably had a whole lot to do with the way Dan and I lived our lives together. We sure weren’t perfect, but we also didn’t practice anger. Whenever something aggravating, unfair or anger provoking occurred, we’d always talk about it; and his ultimate response would be, “Well, even though they did…blah blah blah…we still have to do the right thing”.
It occurs to me now that we actually practiced the opposite of anger; and I’m so grateful for the leadership he provided in doing so. It produced very good results; and I’m still not angry.
Your own ears will hear him.
Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,”
whether to the right or to the left.
Isaiah 30:21
I am so thankful to read this! Unlike you, my husband did not die suddenly. He had jaw cancer, diagnosed 2-12, had surgery and radiation, another surgery 12-13 for a complication. For the next 6 months, he dealt with back pain which was finally diagnosed 6-14 as metastasis in his spine, liver, kidney and lung. He died 9-13-14.
Like you, I was not/am not angry and many times I’ve thought there must be something wrong with me because I do not fit the grief pattern at all! I see now we did not live a lifestyle of anger but we did and I still have a lifestyle of trusting the Lord in all circumstances. This is not to say I don’t have my “moments”!
I know I can not live in the past, nor can I worry about the future; I must live every day in the present.
Thank you for sharing your experience!
And thank you, Janis, for your kind words. What blessings come from trusting the Lord in all things; and yes, “moments” come. I always try to remind myself that God knows we’re only made of dirt! ????????
I am learning from every story, or essay, or scripture you write. Thank you. Thank you.
Jewell, those are incredibly humbling words. Thank you for your affirmation and support. Writing brings me tremendous joy; but most importantly though, I want the Lord to use my words for Himself.