Grief never ends…but it changes.

It’s a passage, not a place to stay.

Grief is not a sign of weakness,

nor a lack of faith…

It is the price of love.

 

This unattributed quote has crossed my path several times recently. And I’ve learned that criss-crosses  usually mean God is showing me something.

 

I had a clear sense after Dan was killed that I was going to have to be honest with my grief, if I wanted to be healthy on the other side of it. But I had no idea what that would actually require; plus, every part of my life already felt stripped away and vulnerable.

 

But honesty has been my friend. Feelings are real, even if they aren’t always rooted in facts, and it pays to be genuine about them. Not that I could hide them anyway—they had a sneaky way of creeping out of my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.

 

Even though my honest words might have sometimes scared the people closest to me, I had to let that be their problem and not mine. My plate had already “runneth’d” over.

 

One of the things I discovered was that I had to be selfish…the kind of selfishness that a flight attendant says to observe when the oxygen mask drops to your lap. Please put your mask on first and then your child’s. Good reason there. If you pass out, who’s going to take care of you and your child?

 

So I had to learn to take care of myself. Dan used to tell me that if he got tired, he knew to go rest; but that if I got tired, I just went and did something else. I soon realized that wasn’t going to work for me anymore.

 

Practical things I learned:

 

Eat plenty of protein

Don’t eat sugar

Exercise daily

Allow myself to weep and wail

Spend time outdoors

Pray and spend time in God’s presence

Read my Bible like there’s no tomorrow—there really might not be  🙂

Rest

 

One cold colorless February day, about three months into grief, I drove past the campus where I’d attended high school; and it occurred to me that I’d had an entire life before I even knew Dan.

 

Then I heard a clear distinct voice say, “If you’d known back then how it was all going to turn out, would you have still wanted what you had?”

 

Absolute, resounding YES.

 

And it’s still my answer. I’d much rather be left with something enormous to grieve than never to have had what I had.

 

God is still a good God.

 

If you listen to what I tell you

and follow my ways

and do whatever I consider to be right,

and if you obey

my decrees and commands,

as my servant David did,

then I will always be with you.

I will establish an enduring dynasty for you…

1 Kings 11:38

 

Words you could take to the bank—an offer straight from God Almighty to Jeroboam.

 

But at some point on the road to his enduring dynasty, Jeroboam blinked. Fear took over and he forgot God’s generous offer. He began to believe it all depended on him.

 

“Unless I am careful, the kingdom will return to the dynasty of David…they will kill me…”

 

So the king made two gold calves and told his people,

 

“…these are the gods who brought you out of Egypt!”

 

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

 

And with that, Jeroboam turned his back on the one true God. I wonder what he would’ve done differently, if he could have previewed the legacy he’d just endowed.

 

Because for the next 211 years, a variation of these words was divinely credited to each of the 18 kings who followed him:

 

…he did what was evil in the LORD’s sight and followed the example of Jeroboam.

 

LORD God in heaven, please help me not to blink.

 

I’ve been fascinated since Sunday afternoon watching a friend’s Facebook post going viral. When I first saw the video, it had been viewed close to 50,000 times. Convinced I’d misread the number, I examined it several times. But then my very own eyes saw it jump by hundreds and then thousands. Right now, Wednesday morning, it’s over 233,000 views.

 

No one person could even begin to know 233,000 different people. But 233,000 people will all know some people…who know some people…who know some people…who know…

 

It reminds me of the time my elementary school teacher asked our class if we’d rather receive $10,000 one time or be given a penny that would be doubled every day for 30 days. Virtually everybody wanted the $10,000 because what kid could have ever guessed a penny would grow into $5,368,709.12?

 

Networking and compound interest share something in common with the gospel—they all work just like seedpods about to burst.

 

Satan, the god of this world, gets credit for all the evil he is and does, but the buck always stops when it reaches my infinitely wise and loving God. And God does surprising things with it.

 

You intended to harm me,

     but God intended it for good

         to accomplish what is now being done,

               the saving of many lives.

Genesis 50:20

 

…said a weeping Joseph to his brothers who had tried to kill him.

 

God is different and he uses strange methods to spread his gospel.

 

…Saul was going everywhere

   to destroy the church.

He went from house to house,

     dragging out both men and women

          to throw them into prison.

But the believers who were scattered

     preached the Good News about Jesus

          wherever they went.

Acts 8:3-4

 

And the church grew. Just like a bursting seedpod. So if I tell some people…and you tell some people…and they tell some people…and they tell…

 

Faith is the confidence

     that what we hope for

     will actually happen;

it gives us assurance

     about things we cannot see.

Hebrews 11:1

 

Object permanence – a developmental concept stage reached when a baby comes to understand that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, heard, touched, smelled or sensed.

 

Sitting in the pew this morning between Rylan and Faith, two adorable busy little bodies, reminded me of Sundays when I was growing up. It was so much fun being in the age middle of 27 cousins from a large extended family. Christmas, Easter, family reunions, dinner on the church grounds, Friday nights, Sunday dinners—the list could go on and on naming occasions when we all got together with good food, funny stories and laughter.

 

As time passes, more and more of my cherished memories are populated by those who’ve left the gatherings here for The Gathering over there. And after each departure, over there gets more and more weighted—with grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, and husband.

 

Although I don’t currently see, hear, touch, or smell them, I do have a very clear sense of their continued existence. And their laughter and fun resonates through me in the stories shared by those of us still here. Jesus said:

 

So you have sorrow now,

     but I will see you again;

          then you will rejoice,

              and no one

                    can rob you of that joy.

John 16:22

 

Jesus said it. I believe it. And there are a lot of good stories I’d love to hear again.

 

Time in a Bottle.

 

I love that song and I’ve a story about it. It was my high school senior (’74) class song and Jim Croce had been killed in a plane crash just before the song was released. One evening that May, my entire family was in our car together when it played; and everybody sat there and listened until it finished. Mother commented that the words were so true…

 

…there never seems to be enough time

       to do the things you want to do

           once you find them…

 

My daddy had just been diagnosed with bone cancer and he died 19 months later. He was only 43. I thought a lot about that the year I turned 43. We just never know how many more breaths we’re going to get.

 

For they are like

     a breath of air;

         their days are like

               a passing shadow.

                  Psalm 144:4

 

 

But there’s a whole next life coming after this one. And I know, beyond a shadow of any doubt, I’ll see him again.

 

Till then, I’ll keep praying.

 

Years ago Dan initiated a family Christmas communion at our church. Speaking softly to each family gathered around the candlelit table, he’d give them a word…maybe peace, possibly love, perhaps commitment…a different word for each family.

 

God gave me a word back in the year before Dan was killed. My word was exhilaration. I really liked my word and it wafted around in my thinking at odd times. My mental image was of diving into a clear blue pool of spring water and also of surfing over the tops of waves. I’m not a good swimmer, but I loved thinking about my word and wondering about it.

 

My mother-in-law used to say she was homesick for heaven. An interesting thought really—being homesick for a place you’ve never been. Then one day I sensed a yearning for something more—and I immediately knew what it was.

 

“There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus” (Pascal 1623-1662)

 

And Jesus said…

 

There is more than enough room

     in my Father’s home.

If this were not so,

     would I have told you

     that I am going to prepare

     a place for you?

John 14:2

 

What an amazing invisible God I serve. He created me to want to be with him PLUS he’s already reserved me a room in his Father’s house.

 

Exhilarating.

 

(Sunset over the Mediterranean)

 

A perfect storm—either plain old weather-related phenomena or somebody’s real life events. The weather story seems like a great script for a blockbuster movie, but the real life story not so much—especially if it’s your real life.

 

I had a perfect storm year a while back. Happenings just kept piling up in ways I couldn’t control. I worked hard and stayed busy, but sometimes realized I was really only an observer in God’s bigger picture.

 

I learned it’s possible that, at the end of the day, the outcome of a perfect storm might not be the worst thing.

 

John Piper, in The Pleasures of God, shares a wonderful analogy explaining the fear of the Lord. He suggests imagining hiking across a glacier and getting caught in a huge storm. Then seeking shelter in a cleft where you can safely observe the storm:

 

Even though (you are) secure, the awesome might of the storm rages on, and you watch it with a kind of trembling pleasure as it surges out across the distant glaciers. Not everything we call fear vanishes from your heart, only the life-threatening part. There remains the trembling, the awe, the wonder, the feeling that you would never want to tangle with such a storm or be the adversary of such a power.

 

Exhilarating.

 

In my perfect storm year, I did my best to make the outcomes different, but they weren’t. It bemused me that, even though there were a lot of unknowns, I wasn’t afraid.

 

So.

 

I continue to learn new lessons and I don’t think storms are very scary anymore—because I know God is doing for me what he did for Moses:

 

…I will hide you

   in the crevice of the rock

       and cover you with my hand…

Exodus 33:22

 

Time is moving quickly. I visualize hourglass grains of sand racing along and tumbling down to join the ones already fallen.

 

I am a pray-er and I believe spiritual winds are blowing. I’ve a strong sense we’re approaching a vortex in time.

 

My on-going prayer is:  Lord, change me first. I don’t want to pray changes for someone else that I’m not willing to pray for myself.

 

Jesus Christ said,

 

“Look!

        I stand at the door

        and knock.

                If you hear my voice

                and open the door,

                        I will come in,

                        and we will share a meal

                                together as friends…”

                                     (Revelation 3:20)

 

On the other hand…

 

The god of this age

         has blinded the minds

         of unbelievers,

                 so that they cannot see

                  the light of the gospel

                          that displays the glory of Christ,

                          who is the image of God.

(2 Corinthians 4:4)

 

Scripture overflows with descriptive words and phrases that help my heart know my invisible God. And Dr. John White’s descriptive prayer imagery, in Parents in Pain, enlarges my prayer language.

 

…ask with every confidence that God will open the eyes of the morally and spiritually blind…

 

…ask that the self deceptions, that we hide behind, be burned away in the fierce light of truth…

 

…ask that dark caverns of the mind be ripped open to let the sunlight pour in…

 

…ask that self disguises may be stripped from a man or woman to reveal the horror of their nakedness in the holy light of God…

 

…ask that the glory of the face of Christ will shine through the spiritual blindness caused by the god of this world…

 

…ask that he deliver us from overwhelming temptation…

 

…and give us every opportunity…

 

…to see his beauty, his tenderness, his forgiveness…

 

I can ask these things with every assurance that God will not only hear, but will delight to answer.

 

BUT I cannot ask him to force any man or woman to love and trust him against their own free will.

 

So. I will stubbornly and persistently continue to pray

 

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of mending flaws of broken pottery with costly liquid gold. The breakage and repair then become part of the history of the piece and celebrate its beauty in a new and more valuable way.

 

God’s redemptive grace to me is his art of covering my sins and imperfections with the costly blood of his Son’s sacrifice. My brokenness and repair then become part of my history and there is a new beauty and priceless value change within me.

 

Watch for the gleam of liquid gold binding together these fragments of King David’s life:

 

At his beginning

 

…God said,

    ‘I have found David

     son of Jesse,

     a man after my own heart.

He will do everything I want him to do.’

Acts 13:22

 

 

At his middle (God’s words)

 

…The Lord, the God of Israel, says:

    I anointed you king of Israel

     and saved you from the power of Saul.

 

I gave you your master’s house

    and his wives

     and the kingdoms

     of Israel and Judah.

And if that had not been enough,

    I would have given you much,

     much more.

 

Why, then, have you despised

    the word of the Lord

     and done this horrible deed?

For you have murdered

    Uriah the Hittite

     with the sword

      of the Ammonites

     and stolen his wife.

2 Samuel 12:7-9

 

 

At his middle (David’s words)

 

Wash me clean from my guilt.

Purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion;

    It haunts me day and night.

Against you,

    and you alone,

     have I sinned.

I have done what is evil

    in your sight.

 

Purify me from my sins,

    and I will be clean;

     wash me,

     and I will be whiter than snow.

Oh, give me back my joy again…

 

The sacrifice you desire

    is a broken spirit.

You will not reject

    a broken and repentant heart,

     O God.

(Psalm 51:2-4; 8; 19)

 

 

At his end (God’s words to and through David)

 

“The Spirit of the Lord

     speaks through me;

      his words are upon my tongue.

 

The God of Israel spoke.

       The Rock of Israel said to me:

 

‘The one who rules righteously,

      who rules in the fear of God, 

       is like the light of morning at sunrise,

       like a morning without clouds,

       like the gleaming of the sun

       on new grass after rain.’

 

Is it not my family

    God has chosen?

Yes, he has made

    an everlasting covenant with me…

(2 Samuel 23:2-5)

 

And, praise be to God, he has made a New Covenant with me.

 

Mama Jan, I’m exhasterated

Really? Why are you exhasterated?

Because I ate ice cream and ate the sprinkles and you said bad words.

Really? What were my bad words?

You said, “Eat your ice cream” (instead of playing with the sprinkles).

So you’re exhasterated.

Yes.

Faith Cora is 2.

 

I want to do what is good,

but I don’t.

I don’t want to do what is wrong,

but I do it anyway.

Romans 7:19

 

The Apostle Paul was in his early 50’s. I wonder if he ever felt exhasterated.

 

I feel exhasterated when a day passes by that hasn’t begun with focused and disciplined prayer time in God’s presence. Because, if I rush into the day without some quiet time with God, the rest of my day never feels like it gets in sync.

 

And I’m older than Faith Cora AND the Apostle Paul.

 

🙂 🙂 🙂