Grief never ends…but it changes.

It’s a passage, not a place to stay.

Grief is not a sign of weakness,

nor a lack of faith…

It is the price of love.

This unattributed quote has crossed my path several times recently. And I’ve learned that criss-crosses  usually mean God is showing me something.

I had a clear sense after Dan was killed that I was going to have to be honest with my grief, if I wanted to be healthy on the other side of it. But I had no idea what that would actually require; plus, every part of my life already felt stripped away and vulnerable.

But honesty has been my friend. Feelings are real, even if they aren’t always rooted in facts, and it pays to be genuine about them. Not that I could hide them anyway—they had a sneaky way of creeping out of my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.

Even though my honest words might have sometimes scared the people closest to me, I had to let that be their problem and not mine. My plate had already “runneth’d” over.

One of the things I discovered was that I had to be selfish…the kind of selfishness that a flight attendant says to observe when the oxygen mask drops to your lap. Please put your mask on first and then your child’s. Good reason there. If you pass out, who’s going to take care of you and your child?

So I had to learn to take care of myself. Dan used to tell me that if he got tired, he knew to go rest; but that if I got tired, I just went and did something else. I soon realized that wasn’t going to work for me anymore.

Practical things I learned:

Eat plenty of protein

Don’t eat sugar

Exercise daily

Allow myself to weep and wail

Spend time outdoors

Pray and spend time in God’s presence

Read my Bible like there’s no tomorrow—there really might not be  🙂

Rest

One cold colorless February day, about three months into grief, I drove past the campus where I’d attended high school; and it occurred to me that I’d had an entire life before I even knew Dan.

Then I heard a clear distinct voice say, “If you’d known back then how it was all going to turn out, would you have still wanted what you had?”

Absolute, resounding YES.

And it’s still my answer. I’d much rather be left with something enormous to grieve than never to have had what I had.

God is still a good God.

If you listen to what I tell you

and follow my ways

and do whatever I consider to be right,

and if you obey

my decrees and commands,

as my servant David did,

then I will always be with you.

I will establish an enduring dynasty for you…

1 Kings 11:38

Words you could take to the bank—an offer straight from God Almighty to Jeroboam.

But at some point on the road to his enduring dynasty, Jeroboam blinked. Fear took over and he forgot God’s generous offer. He began to believe it all depended on him.

“Unless I am careful, the kingdom will return to the dynasty of David…they will kill me…”

So the king made two gold calves and told his people,

“…these are the gods who brought you out of Egypt!”

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

And with that, Jeroboam turned his back on the one true God. I wonder what he would’ve done differently, if he could have previewed the legacy he’d just endowed.

Because for the next 211 years, a variation of these words was divinely credited to each of the 18 kings who followed him:

…he did what was evil in the LORD’s sight and followed the example of Jeroboam.

LORD God in heaven, please help me not to blink.

I’ve been fascinated since Sunday afternoon watching a friend’s Facebook post going viral. When I first saw the video, it had been viewed close to 50,000 times. Convinced I’d misread the number, I examined it several times. But then my very own eyes saw it jump by hundreds and then thousands. Right now, Wednesday morning, it’s over 233,000 views.

No one person could even begin to know 233,000 different people. But 233,000 people will all know some people…who know some people…who know some people…who know…

It reminds me of the time my elementary school teacher asked our class if we’d rather receive $10,000 one time or be given a penny that would be doubled every day for 30 days. Virtually everybody wanted the $10,000 because what kid could have ever guessed a penny would grow into $5,368,709.12?

Networking and compound interest share something in common with the gospel—they all work just like seedpods about to burst.

Satan, the god of this world, gets credit for all the evil he is and does, but the buck always stops when it reaches my infinitely wise and loving God. And God does surprising things with it.

You intended to harm me,

     but God intended it for good

         to accomplish what is now being done,

               the saving of many lives.

Genesis 50:20

…said a weeping Joseph to his brothers who had tried to kill him.

God is different and he uses strange methods to spread his gospel.

…Saul was going everywhere

   to destroy the church.

He went from house to house,

     dragging out both men and women

          to throw them into prison.

But the believers who were scattered

     preached the Good News about Jesus

          wherever they went.

Acts 8:3-4

And the church grew. Just like a bursting seedpod. So if I tell some people…and you tell some people…and they tell some people…and they tell…

Faith is the confidence

     that what we hope for

     will actually happen;

it gives us assurance

     about things we cannot see.

Hebrews 11:1

Object permanence – a developmental concept stage reached when a baby comes to understand that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, heard, touched, smelled or sensed.

Sitting in the pew this morning between Rylan and Faith, two adorable busy little bodies, reminded me of Sundays when I was growing up. It was so much fun being in the age middle of 27 cousins from a large extended family. Christmas, Easter, family reunions, dinner on the church grounds, Friday nights, Sunday dinners—the list could go on and on naming occasions when we all got together with good food, funny stories and laughter.

As time passes, more and more of my cherished memories are populated by those who’ve left the gatherings here for The Gathering over there. And after each departure, over there gets more and more weighted—with grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, and husband.

Although I don’t currently see, hear, touch, or smell them, I do have a very clear sense of their continued existence. And their laughter and fun resonates through me in the stories shared by those of us still here. Jesus said:

So you have sorrow now,

     but I will see you again;

          then you will rejoice,

              and no one

                    can rob you of that joy.

John 16:22

Jesus said it. I believe it. And there are a lot of good stories I’d love to hear again.

Time in a Bottle.

I love that song and I’ve a story about it. It was my high school senior (’74) class song and Jim Croce had been killed in a plane crash just before the song was released. One evening that May, my entire family was in our car together when it played; and everybody sat there and listened until it finished. Mother commented that the words were so true…

…there never seems to be enough time

       to do the things you want to do

           once you find them…

My daddy had just been diagnosed with bone cancer and he died 19 months later. He was only 43. I thought a lot about that the year I turned 43. We just never know how many more breaths we’re going to get.

For they are like

     a breath of air;

         their days are like

               a passing shadow.

                  Psalm 144:4

But there’s a whole next life coming after this one. And I know, beyond a shadow of any doubt, I’ll see him again.

Till then, I’ll keep praying.