God’s given me seven steps to becoming a worthless person. The directions are pretty straightforward—and if I follow them, they’re guaranteed to bring me some wildly unpredictable out-of-this-world results…

 

“They have planted the wind

     and will harvest the whirlwind…

(Hosea 8:7)

 

First, I have to block out new information; which means I should never ever read the personal words God inspired specifically for me. Because if I do, I might accidentally hear what he’s saying and then I might possibly understand it. And who needs all the guilt that could create? Surely my own thinking is good enough—and I probably already know it all anyway.

 

Second, the more stubborn I choose to be, the better the plan’s going to work for me. If I don’t budge in my thinking, there’s no possible way change can ever happen to me.

 

Third, if I follow everybody else, I can be in the majority; and I won’t even have to waste time thinking for myself. What could possibly require less energy or go wrong with that?

 

Fourth, I can boost the effectiveness of step three, if I worry incessantly over what other people think about me.

 

Fifth, I can live my life exactly as I want and base all my decisions on my feelings. That day. That moment. Sacrifice, boundaries, and standards are probably overrated commodities anyway.

 

Sixth, I need to value and trust the things I can see, touch, and control instead of the invisible Creator who made and holds them. And I should never ever be gracious about relinquishing what wasn’t mine in the first place.

 

Seventh, I need to be first. Always. People around me shouldn’t be bothered if I need to sacrifice them on my altar of convenience. Otherwise, how can I possibly be happy?

 

But the Israelites would not listen.

They were as stubborn as their ancestors

     who had refused to believe

     in the Lord their God.

 

They rejected his decrees

     and the covenant he had made

     with their ancestors,

     and they despised all his warnings.

They worshiped worthless idols,

     so they became worthless themselves.

They followed the example

     of the nations around them,

     disobeying the Lord’s command

     not to imitate them.

 

They rejected all the commands

     of the Lord their God

     and made two calves from metal.

They set up an Asherah pole

     and worshiped Baal

     and all the forces of heaven.

 

They even sacrificed

     their own sons and daughters in the fire.

They consulted fortune-tellers

     and practiced sorcery

     and sold themselves to evil,

     arousing the Lord’s anger.

2 Kings 17: 14-17

 

Foolproof. Yep.